Life happens “for you” not “to you”

Understanding the States of Consciousness

A number of years ago while part of a Coaches Rising course, I came across talk by Jim Dethmer on the 4 states of consciousness. He offered a version of this profound age-old wisdom on how we see life and therefore how we experience it. We are constantly moving between these states however as we continue to work on ourselves however we may spend more of our time is the later states described below.

State 1: Victim Consciousness

In the state 1, known as victim consciousness, we feel that life is happening “to me”. When things go wrong, we often think, “It’s not fair, and it’s not my fault.” This mindset leaves us feeling powerless, believing we can’t change our circumstances.

State 2: Creative Consciousness

In the state 2, we embrace full responsibility for ourselves. We understand that life is a result of our choices so it is happening ‘by me’. When faced with challenges, we accept our role and adjust our course. We learn to create our experiences, understanding that our mindset shapes our reality.

State 3: Surrendering to Life

As we move into state 3, we enter a state of surrender, viewing life as happening “for me”. We begin to flow with life’s events, asking, “What is life offering me in this moment?”. At this point we are no longer the only creator of our life, and in fact there is a greater consciousness co-creating with us and often for us. This is the wonderful mystery of life that can be experienced when we surrender to the not knowing of life and allow it to work through us rather than trying to wrestle it into our submission.

State 4: Experiencing Non-Duality

Finally in the last state, life happening “as me”, which is when we experience non-duality and no separate sense of self. It is the feeling of one-ness with life in which there is connectedness to everything and everyone. An unparalleled love for all is accompanied by a great peacefulness.

I first touched this state of inter-connectness through practices like breath-work, meditation, drumming, ecstatic dance, yoga and psychedelics. Initially fleeting, these experiences offered a blueprint for this state that I then started feeling in small ways within the ordinariness day to day living.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” — Byron Katie

This perspective was a huge game-changer in my life. It didn’t take away the challenges and difficulties but it helped me pass through them with more acceptance. This acceptance could then bring compassionate inquiry into the possibility that there was a gift somewhere inside – a learning or unlearning to help me grow.

This framework is also invaluable in my coaching and self-leadership immersion programs. Witnessing clients shift their state of consciousness brings a huge sense of relief and even excitement for what possibilities the mystery might have in store for them.

I also deeply acknowledge my privilege to have so much choice in my life; not all people are so fortunate. For this I am extremely grateful on a daily basis.